Managing Critical Conversations
By Patricia Kaim
Conflict is not something you need to avoid at all costs. Conflict can sometimes be the best way to drive change in our personal or professional life. Difficult conversations are necessary, especially when critical topics are being discussed.
If you oversee a meeting, how do you manage it, or how do you restore peace? How can you ensure these conflicts do not harm your reputation or team morale? Let’s ask yourself the following questions first and write down your answers:
How do you turn the conflict into a positive force to enhance the control environment or to help your stakeholder to understand the topic better (impact, root cause, consequences)?
How can you help those involved in the conversation cooperate when an initial agreement is impossible?
How can you manage the tone of the conversation?
How do you know when to cut the conversation or take a break?
Then, how can you identify difficult conversations?
Lack of agreement on issues or concerns, issue impact, or issue rating.
Escalation is required as an agreement cannot be reached during the meeting.
Defensiveness.
Body language such as voice is raised, eyes rolling, arms folded, or pointed fingers.
Still sucked in the first bullet and unable to move to the next topic.
Need to stop the conversation and have a break right now.
Few people start exiting the room…
Well, if this happens, we need to resolve this situation as soon as possible, and this is not healthy for anyone. I had difficult conversations with stakeholders in the past. Still, I tried to put myself in their shoes, understand their perspectives, and find a mutual interest or purpose. Leaders need to influence others, listen carefully to the other person, adjust the message to reach an agreement, and learn how to negotiate and reach an agreement. If a break is required to reconvene, take it. It will benefit both sides.
Please pay attention to their gestures and postures. If they feel frustrated or if your team keeps pushing someone without listening, it is time for a break. You know that the conversation is not going anywhere. When a conflict arises in a meeting, make sure you take control; encourage people to provide additional information to clarify what they are thinking.
If an agreement is not reached, summarize the main topics or concerns discussed and arrange a specific meeting to address any additional concerns. Also, ask yourself during the meeting: how do your stakeholders feel when you listen or change the approach?
Be professional and calm, and always listen and show respect. These are the primary techniques I use when managing difficult conversations. When people challenge too much, this could be a sign that you need to look deeper into the concern or area under discussion or get additional clarifications.
“Challenging others and empowering them to also challenge you helps build healthier relationships.”
You must know yourself and your stakeholder’s style to manage the relationship and meetings successfully. Did you know that 90% of a professional football player’s preparation happens in the classroom and film room rather than on the practice field? I learned this from my brother, who was a professional soccer player. He spent hours in front of the TV before every game studying the other team and even after the game to learn from his mistakes. He knows in a penalty how each player would manage the ball. If we do not learn from our mistakes and expand upon what we are doing at a high level, we will not be able to succeed. Imagine if you try to understand or identify your stakeholder operating style and learn from your own mistakes.
When you become aware of people’s different personalities and styles, you can adapt your behavior to suit your interaction better. Also, employ other areas of emotional intelligence such as social awareness and get curious about what the other person is saying. Look to your empathy and compassion, pause, and consider what might be happening with the other person and why they cannot buy the issue or concern. What are they saying? How can you manage that? After the meeting, always review what went well and wrong to identify what you could have done better.
I want to share a few additional tips before concluding this chapter:
Be always prepared to be challenged during conversations. Preparation is key.
Do not wait until the last meeting to share an important point of view, or concern.
Be patient, calm, honest, and professional.
Pay attention to body language and respond to it.
Preparation is key before any meetings with stakeholders. Be prepared to provide additional examples, evidence of exceptions identified, testing done, and other details, if requested.
Ensure key players are invited to the meeting but minimize the number of people attending critical meetings, especially when issues are discussed. Who is your audience? Who is attending? Why are they attending?
Control your state of mind; do not be defensive or raise your voice even if others are reacting improperly.
Avoid giving mixing signals. This could impact your relationship. Use your self-awareness skills to identify your emotions and decide what or not to express them.
Have an open-door policy to manage stakeholders' relationships and requests better.
If you cannot agree, it is time to apply more self-awareness and social awareness skills until you reach a deal. If you get too frustrated, this is not good, and you must ask yourself why. Why? until you get it.
Listen, listen, and listen.
